Small update

Wow, I haven't blogged for a long time! I wanted to write more about my spring break trip and the profound lesson I learned but a lot seemed to have changed in my heart so that was a bygone age. When I began this blog I wanted to portray what goes on in my mind, but lately I have been very disconnected. Part of the reason is that I've learned to live a very scheduled life, and blogging doesn't seem to fit anywhere. Also, in the last week I've withdrawn into school work and disdained human contact, including indirect contact through blogging. lol. But I realized this doesn't work and I feel stressed and depressed. Hence, despite the due dates of my un-started final projects looming near, I will write a short update.

After spring break I thought that I found a once-and-end-all solution to everything in life: to love other people. I realized how inward looking I was, in my thoughts, in my plans, in my daily actions, and even in my prayers. It moved me how friends in the spring break trip really cared about others, and I realized that this is what believing in Christ really means: to love your neighbor as yourself. At first I got a high from this, becoming more genuinely concerned in my friends and people I run into randomly. But gradually this became dry and I realized that I'm really incapable of loving. My attempts to "love" end up being trivial and pathetic. More importantly, love is not a feeling that I get a high from, but actions and commitments. It's something I have to learn slowly and this idea definitely does not solve everything in life.

This led to another realization of how I tend to always seek for the one answer in life. I'm good at finding lessons in almost anything that happens in my life, and I tend to go from one grand answer to another, and every time I find a new grand answer I get an emotional high. I attribute most of these revelations to God. But looking back in longer horizons, I find that I get these lessons too frequently for them all to be true; I'm going around in circles. One image I have is me as a rock tied to a string, being swung round and round. At times I am certain that God is working in my life, as I feel his strong touch, but like a spinning rock I feel the centrifugal force but do not go anywhere. Maybe one of these days I need to simply trust, let go, and finally fly forward?

Wow that was such an obfuscated analogy. The point is, I need to stop feeling the need to come up with the one answer for life, but simply live. Sometimes I may feel dry and lost, and isn't this why I need God? Doesn't believing when I do not see or feel define true faith? I need to snap out of the ideal and live practically. I am fairly logical in front of others but not really when applied to myself. If there's something wrong with my life, I should just fix it. Something that I want, I should go for it. Sure I still believe that I need to walk with God and follow His will; but part of this is that I actually need to walk.

While I was dazed in this perhaps ridiculous inner world, I was suddenly awakened by realizations of other peoples' sufferings and how much I have for granted. Talking to the caretaker and his daunting task of supporting his 6 children while getting paid 10.78/hour; hearing stories of homeless people; realizing that a friend's Mom was going through chemo; and more recently, putting my feet in the shoes of the undocumented Duke student who wrote this moving letter: http://media.www.dukechronicle.com/media/storage/paper884/news/2009/04/03/Columns/Is.It.Too.Much.To.Dream-3696561.shtml. This shook me up because I realized that while my biggest concerns are over school work, dry feelings, and perhaps whether a (hypothetical) girl I had a crush on liked me back, they are faced with real despair. Just imagine being born to be different from all your peers, with great dreams and ambitions yet by law cannot attain them, just feeling the whole world against you. I don't think I can survive.

Here's a little background on the letter: Currently, people who brought into US as children illegally by their parents, who grew up in this country and love it as the only home they know, are given no future. They can work hard and come to Duke, or Harvard (http://lawprofessors.typepad.com/immigration/2009/02/immigrant-of-th.html) but they cannot work after graduation. They are blacklisted for life for a decision they did not make.

On March 26, the Dream Act was introduced into both the House and the Senate, and it represents their only hope, by providing people who are already in US, who were brought in as children, and who either completes college or serves in the military, a pathway to permanent residency. For the past week, I've been trying to raise awareness about the DREAM Act, tabling on campus, getting people to sign a petition to North Carolinian senators, and arguing for the DREAM Act based on economic and moral reasons. (I have a personal reason to care as well.) For a brief overview of the arguments, see my first letter to the Duke chronicle. (http://media.www.dukechronicle.com/media/storage/paper884/news/2009/04/08/Letters/Support.The.Right.To.Dream-3701958.shtml) I'm glad to have gotten Duke's Asian Student Association interested, and also finding others who care. Hopefully we will be able to help convince one of the NC senators--Senator Hagan, who's currently on the fence--to vote yes. The current Senate projections is 53 yes, 4 likely yes, and we will need 60 votes.

Between busy school project and the DREAM Act, I've thought a little about the summer ahead. It shocks me how close it is, and I'm filled with excitement and anxiety. I'm excited about the prospect of learning guitar, going to the beach, hanging out with good friends, and at the same time do research and check out what a grad student's typical life would be. I look forward to IV's Rockbridge retreat, and I'm also pumped about visiting Canada for 3-4 weeks in June and finally seeing old friends! =) I'm anxious about how boring/lifeless my stay in Durham might be, since my roommates and I don't have a car. (I spent some time last week looking to buy a car, but finally decided I could not afford one.) Still a hump of projects to complete before though...

Wow, that didn't turn out to be a short update. I usually don't like to free-flow post like this, but I needed to get that out of my system. The above probably doesn't make any sense, but it is one of the most honest blogs I've written in a while.